ellen_illustration.jpg
this is my face.
Hey, I'm ellen.
Abstract

Ellen McMahon was a synchronized swimmer for many years and she would like to book a conference room to discuss why it is too a real sport. She is an Enneagram type 7, a Myers-Briggs type ENFP, a Sagittarius moon and a Capricorn sun. She will tell you she doesn't believe in any of those things while simultaneously trying to give you a tarot reading. 

Introduction

Years ago, I got a job working at the Sears Tower in Chicago. It was called the Willis Tower back then, too, but I call it the Sears Tower so you know I'm very cool. 

Roughly 4 hours into my first day on the job, I decided to take the stairs from my company's office on the 33rd floor to their office on the 58th floor. I don't know why. It was my lunch break and I was on a health kick I guess. 

So I'm making my way up these stairs when all of a sudden I hear a firm "excuse me?" echo through the stairwell. I leaned over the railing and looked up to see a security guard looking down over a railing maybe 10 floors above me. She leaned into a radio on her shoulder and said "yeah, I got her."

When she caught up to me, she demanded to know what I was doing. I don't mean to be rude, but I still don't understand what she was expecting here. I was in a stairwell. It wasn't some kind of stairwell + mall hybrid.* The only thing around me was stairs. I was taking the stairs.

Turns out, not only are you really not allowed to take the stairs at the Sears Tower, but the door to the stairwell actually locks you inside once it closes. Who knew!

Not to worry, it all turned out okay. My manager, who had only known me for a few hours at that point, vouched for me to the security guard and the security guard allowed me back in the building. It was a bonding experience for us all. We later went on to form the band Sleater-Kinney I think, but that may have been a peyote dream.

 

Anyway, the moral of this story is: why didn't the door to that stairwell have some kind of fuckin sign on it? This all could have been avoided if someone had written "you can't take the stairs in this place" on a piece of paper. 

 

And you know what? That was the day I became a copywriter I just decided.**

 

*Damn, remember malls?

**If you've made it this far use code ELLENDEGENEROUS to get 10% off dollar shave club maybe. I don't know, try it.